A Trip to Oklahoma with a Mirror – We Write Poems #61-Revisionists Unite

Like an old blanket useless in its thinness,
he is an egocentric human
I am lonely and mysterious, always waiting for
a twinkle in his eye, nothing less

He’s going to Oklahoma with a persnickety spaniel,
carrying a dog-eared copy of “War and Peace”
and a dime store Indian

It is so triangular … just like Bolivar
winning the war in Calcutta;
you received his boots as a souvenir

I pawned them for a trifecta,
picking the number “5” horse … and lost;
as I watched the harlot who won,
I thought about my fate

He is back again, it is the Fourth of July
He is nocturnal and unstoppable
I will sit on a stool under the moon,
singing a bird’s song,
hoping he won’t be mirrored in my soul

Process notes: this is a poem from the beginning of my blog in January ’10. When I first started writing, I rarely, if ever used punctuation. It seemed necessary just to get the words out.  Oh my, how things have changed. Much of my writing process is now spent on editing a piece.

Here’s the link to the original:

A mirror and egg salad sandwiches

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10 responses to “A Trip to Oklahoma with a Mirror – We Write Poems #61-Revisionists Unite

  1. Loved each and every word.

  2. The ending is definitely better than the original. So revision’s good!

  3. It is so interested to have a little window into someone else’s writing process. I love seeing the original as well as the revision. I think this poems works very well – thank you for sharing it with us. 🙂

  4. The pared-down, punctuated version is better poetry, but less easy to understand for me.
    I think this must be a transatlantic culture thing, but please, what is a trifecta, and a also dime-store Indian?

    • Punctuation does wonders, Viv. Trifecta is a ticket bought for horse or dog racing, picking three to come in first. A dime store Indian is a novelty item, an ornament if you will, worthless.

  5. I agree with Viv that the second piece here is better poetry. The last three lines “wow” me.

    • That probably is my favourite part of the poem as well, Brenda. It is not my best poem, but I chose it specifically for that reason. The punctuation and paring it down changed it quite a bit.

I appreciate all comments.

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