“To look at Life without Sorrow” Margo Roby: Tuesday Tryouts, Counterpoints

Sparrows hide in fallen
leaves; crickets chime on
wilted paths, splitting broken wings

Asphalt dreams, false
fantasy of time’s lost slow-shift hours

Chubby finches, stubby plumes,
wait for change to carry me

Process notes: I wrote out the ten pairs of counterpoints, and went with this pair. I whittled it down a lot from the originals.

*Serene-Agitated

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9 responses to ““To look at Life without Sorrow” Margo Roby: Tuesday Tryouts, Counterpoints

  1. Wonderful words! My favorite stanza is the last.

  2. nice play on the counterpoints…i am rather fond of the asphalt dreams stanza…

  3. I like what you have done, Pamela. It is fun. I figure the list will be useful for many things. This is not a prompt that gets old, because so much can be done with it. Love the phrase ‘splitting broken wings’.
    Can I ask you to try one thing? Next time you write ‘you’ in a poem, replace it with ‘me’ [or ‘I’ if it’s the subject of a sentence]. The me or I doesn’t mean it’s you. It refers to the speaker of the poem. I think the first person holds your poems together better than pointing to some vague ‘you’. Does that make sense? Go back in your poems and mentally replace the ‘you’ and see what you think. My apologies for pushing in Pamela, but this has nagged at me a while.

    margo

  4. Margo, you are by no means “pushing in”. I have much to learn. I have written many poems with “you”, because when I tried first person, something didn’t ring true. Not sure why? The last does work better with “me”. Thanks.

    • So, here’s the theory on which person to use. The problem with ‘you’ is it implies the reader, which doesn’t work unless you happen to be addressing the reader. You are probably uneasy with ‘i’ or ‘me’ because they sound personal. Another possibility is third person, ‘he/him’ ‘she/her’ but those didn’t work here because you hadn’t set up a person about whom the speaker was speaking. Play 🙂

  5. Will do, Margo 🙂 I can hardly wait for Tuesday (wink, wink)

I appreciate all comments.

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