“Borrowed Gardens” For Margo Roby maybe this is Summer

On the lawn, hail gathers,
broken wheels tilt model cars,
incense to sweeten my
pure home

Leaves sprinkle as I sweep
broken swag curtains,
reminding me
of you occasionally, and daydreams
of secret kisses

As garden hoses leak, I mend
them; now they’re secure as a blue colibri
passing in flight

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5 responses to ““Borrowed Gardens” For Margo Roby maybe this is Summer

  1. Ready? Here we go. I love the imagery in the first two lines but keep jolting at the third because you haven’t given a smell that is the incense and I’m not sure my brain can wrap around the hail and cars as incense. I might, but something is needed as a transition.
    Second stanza try shifting the comma from the second to the first line and see what you think.
    Try the stanza without ‘occasionally’ and see what you think. It’s not necessarily not working but works differently without.
    I like the third stanza most which is why it might need some playing with.
    As garden hoses leak, I mend
    them; now they’re secure as a blue colibri
    passing in flight
    My ear tells me it wants ‘they are secure’ or ‘they are as secure’. It stumbles on ‘they’re’.
    Below the poem consider giving the definition of a colibri. My question: How is a colibri in flight as secure as a mended hose [I hope you have an answer, woman! I like the line]?
    Over to you 🙂 margo

  2. nice…i like the secret kisses in the garden…smiles…also i like th imagery you end on…they’re secure as a blue colibri
    passing in fligh///had to look it up to see…smiles…..

  3. Hey, Margo. Thanks for the wonderful critique.

    Vision and scent of mundane cars (they are all mundane to me) do not smell sweet whatsoever. I actually hate cars. The sweetening incense could refer perhaps to a loved one or one’s self killed or damaged in a car wreck. Sweet thoughts, eh?

    The comma is placed after curtains to emphasize that the sweeping of the broken curtains is the actual reminder, not the curtains themselves.

    Using “Occasionally” attempts to indicate the writer’s remorse that she does not remember her love often enough.

    I think the garden hoses line is rather clumsy and does indeed need work, but that was the image of which I could not rid myself.

    I cannot disagree with your comment on “they’re” but it seemed to work better for me.

    Again, thank you SO much for your wonderful critique. How I have enjoyed your “challenge” for me to further analyze my work tonight.

    ¡salud!

    Pamelita

  4. Let’s see if you are still here!

    margo

  5. I too especially like the secret kisses in the garden… 🙂

I appreciate all comments.

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